You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Birds & Planes.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.