The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
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no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Terribly Tuesday.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”