nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.