“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
the composer
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
This is a sub tweet
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm