Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”