My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough