My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
You deplete me
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?