I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
dictator is short for richard potato
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.