If you want my opinion ask my wife
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if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Why is no one talking about this?!
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
B
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..