I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.