My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
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[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
When he asks for feet pics