Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
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Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*