Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.