carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
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i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway