There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.