At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
The internet is full of many things
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.