Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
You Might Also Like
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.