I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.