Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”