Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.