Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
What the hell is going on?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
peeping toms
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Who called it baking and not making love
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.