My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
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[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.