Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
You Might Also Like
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me driving through Toronto
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
mom had nothing to worry about
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom