The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo