I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The French word for sex is croissant.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?