CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
me before I type out affect or effect
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
barbara was highly relatable
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