Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
You Might Also Like
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same