I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.