“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Breaking news:
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.