BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
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Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.