It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will