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We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Whisper out to librarians!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
no refunds
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.