Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.