Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
calling in to work dehydrated
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.