Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work