My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned