*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes