[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
oh good, now I can stop drinking
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]