GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
new shirt idea
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs