we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Goat cheese is for herders.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.