date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
You Might Also Like
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”