[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
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As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Oh we’ve met.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.