What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
You Might Also Like
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma