Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!