You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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huge if true: the moon
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]