me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.