Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
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Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
lmfao
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal