According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
absolutely not
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing