[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.