If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Something Saturday.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge